I think this is the 1st time I am experiencing the emotional side of Medicine. The part that appears in dramas and the stuff that appears in 'Ethics Week' and where I think, "obviously I know and accept that this is part of the package in Medicine, why the hell is everyone harping on about such obvious stuff?". But cliche and emo though this may be, mad/denial/sad/sick/dying/know-they-are-dying people are always sad to handle and none of all that warning and drama serials and Ethics Weeks can prepare girls for this until we experience it for ourselves. Frankly, I pride myself on being able to become a robot at will and really, being quite emotionless and stone-hearted when I need to be. However, I guess having the knowledge of how badly damaged a person really is does get to me.

I told a few people about a recent incident where we saw 2 grown men cry when their father was diagnosed with super late stage cancer. The old man was a frail little twig who was by then, too weak to walk on his own, but he was still so funny! Ok I think I found him funny coz he had my sense of humour where he would make stupid comments but with a neutral tone and a completely straight face and people had to take a few seconds to register the sentence. Or maybe he was actually a bit confused. Or was too weak to be more expressive. Anyway. That made the scene all the more sad because his sons were crying, but were also half-laughing at his comments and patting his head at the same time. I felt I had to become as invisible as possible but then I also wanted to watch. To generalise, I always thought ang mohs were not as close to their parents as Asians are. Like, they move out as soon as they can and think going home once a month is already a good show of filial piety. So seeing the ang mohs sons knowing so many details about their father's health and seeing how protective they were over him was very heartwarming (: The half-crying, half-laughing scene was also the first time I felt heavy-hearted and slightly teary in such situations so I felt it was memorable enough to ensure that I plant it somewhere where I won't forget it.

I must admit, though, it was a combination of everything that made that particular case so sad. There was actually an exact scenario that I had witnessed not too long ago, except that it was a youngish couple and it was the wife crying about the husband's diagnosis. What Sania said is true, it does make a difference seeing big, grown men cry and seeing women cry. I felt more sorry and sympathetic than anything else when I saw the woman cry, but I was able to stay as robotic and blank as ever. See, told you I am heartless and well-suited to this field.

Unfortunately, I am sure I have not seen the worse yet. Next year in cancer care and elderly care there will surely be many chances to see patients 1 day and find them mysteriously missing the next. Or, in the case of A&E, just deteriorating on the spot. My emotionlessness is going to come in handy next year...